


Cockles and Destiel, Alive, Alive-O

by Thette



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cockles, Destiel - Freeform, Episode: s09e03 I'm No Angel, Episode: s09e06 Heaven Can't Wait, F/M, M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Season/Series 09, Secret Relationship, destiel because of cockles, great onscreen chemistry that disappear when they do it for real, or does it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-14
Updated: 2013-11-14
Packaged: 2018-01-01 14:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1044883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thette/pseuds/Thette
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The network execs have permanently nixed Destiel, and demanded less subtext. Jeremy Carver thinks that the solution is to ask Misha and Jensen to just fuck already, and get the UST out of the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cockles and Destiel, Alive, Alive-O

**Author's Note:**

> My first RPF, and I blame cas-out-of-heaven on Tumblr. 
> 
> I don't really think that Jensen and Misha are having mad passionate sex behind closed doors, but these fictional versions of them are. Slightly alternate timeline, where 9x03 has been broadcast, but the guys are still working on 9x06. Contains some negativity about fans from Jeremy Carver's point of view.

Jeremy Carver called a meeting a Wednesday afternoon when they were supposed to be shooting 9x06. It wasn’t an “all hands on deck” situation; just him, Jensen, Jared, Misha, Bob Singer, and four of the writers. “So…” he started. “I’m just in from a meeting with the network execs.”

“Are we all fired?” Misha asked.

“No. Not yet. But I did pitch a romantic storyline between Dean and Cas, and I was shot down. Mercilessly. It was not where they ‘saw the story heading’ at all, not even when I made the case about all the buildup. And after last week’s Twitter fallout, they want us to dial down the subtext, too. Misha, Jensen, I trust you’re going to be grownups about this.” God knows it needed to be said. All three of the stars were goofing around like giant preschoolers much of the time. “We’re going to do some editing on the episodes we’ve shot, but not broadcast. None of you are allowed to mention Destiel at cons, in interviews or on social media, and you need to stop stringing the fangirls along. Yes, I’m looking at you, Collins. There’s never been a romance in the cards. There’s never been any subtext except in the fans’ deluded heads, and that’s the official story. But don’t call them deluded. Be nice, but be firm. And don’t give any spoilers.”

“I think Dean and Cas not happening is a pretty big spoiler,” Jensen said.

“Yeah, I know. I need to think about how we should handle this. Give me a few days, and don’t talk about it until then. Don’t even imply anything.” He ended the meeting, let them all walk out, and sat down with his head in his hands. This was going to be tricky. They had one ep that he needed to re-edit, and with a bit of luck, he might find a take where Jensen and Jared weren't implicitly talking about Dean and Cas all the time. Nobody would have even bothered with this whole business (other than the crazy shipper fans, there were always a few of them) if it weren’t for the fact that two of his actors had a huge crush on each other. They probably thought they were being discreet about it, but it was a major joke on set. Eye-fucking, the fans called it. The PAs had a betting pool on how long it’d take until they gave in and kissed each other, and it had become even worse when someone brought Vicki's threesome book and read aloud after wrapping.

***

Jensen spent fifteen takes of Dean and Cas’ reunion scene being randomly inappropriate. It started out with jokes about what he’d buy from Steve, the sales associate (with meat and sausages featuring prominently), and it got worse from there. Misha could barely look at him without laughing, and that was when the smoldering faces started. Rob Spera took them aside for a scolding, and they got two usable takes. Unfortunately, both of these were heavy on the longing looks and happy grins. Well, if it looked like two exes who weren’t over each other met up, there was nothing they could do about it, not without wasting more hours of shooting time.

***

Jeremy could feel the migraine starting to build. It was going to be a long day. They needed Dean to give Cas dating advice, like any good buddy would, but the fairly innocent clothing tips were ripe for stripping jokes. This time, it was the both of them, playing off each other. If it weren’t for the fact that makeup would kill him over the bruises, he’d strangle them both, Homer Simpson style. How about a re-casting? How about making season 10 a prequel, Sam and Dean before Stanford? Worth thinking about, even though Colin was getting famous. Brock should still be available. Again, one of the few usable takes was flirty, but not overtly sexual.

***

The action scenes worked reasonably well, but then, it was time for another Impala scene. The sun was setting already, and the way things were working out, they had no chance to do the newly re-written and now relatively painless goodbye scene today. The two of them just didn’t stop. Jeremy didn’t think he’d long for Jared’s scenes, but in comparison, a bit of fondling below the camera’s line of sight never hurt anybody. This playful teasing, combined with a sexual tension that had been ramped up beyond the usual, made shooting impossible. After they had gotten one single decent take, Rob called it a wrap. Jeremy had had enough. He took Jensen and Misha aside.

“Look, I don’t know what you think you’re doing…”

“What?” Jensen said, innocence emanating in tsunami waves.

“…but you need to cut it out. And if you can’t, then we need to go nuclear here. Jensen, did you watch Friends?”

“Of course I did. Everybody watched Friends.”

“Remember what Joey said about on stage chemistry?” Jensen nodded, and Jeremy smiled benevolently at them. “You two have the kind of chemistry that money can’t buy. Hell, it’s one of the reasons we got over the season seven slump and got back in the game. But right now, we need to get some of that chemistry off the screen. Do you get my point?”

“I’m a married man, you know.”

“I don’t give a damn that you’re married; this is Hollywood, or at least Canadian Hollywood.”

“I’m also married,” Misha interjected.

“We all know about how your marriage works, so you can shut up.” There was a pause.

“I really don’t know what we’re talking about,” Misha said carefully. “We didn’t have a TV, so I never watched Friends.”

“Basically, once two actors with chemistry on stage or on screen consummate their relationship, the tension goes away. I need you two to fuck it out already.” Jensen stared. Misha stared, with those enormous blue eyes bugging out of his head.

“Is that an order?”

“No. But it’s a strongly worded suggestion.” He watched Jensen’s bowlegs as they sauntered away together towards Misha’s tiny car. From the other side of the set, Jared was smirking. He probably won the bet.

***

The next day dawned, and Dean and Cas were going to say their farewells. It would look like they had spent the night together, but hopefully, it would get overlooked. (As if.) Jeremy rolled his eyes at Misha's dirty jokes. Rob was furious. The next take, Jensen pulled out the worst set of hurt puppy eyes any of them had ever seen. The next, he pouted, lower lip wobbling. “Cut,” Rob yelled. 

After ten more takes, there were two they might use. They both gave the scene a hint of lovers separated by circumstance saying a bittersweet goodbye, but at least they were behaving. Jeremy filled his travel mug to the brim with coffee. 

“Did you really think it was their first time?” Jared asked from behind him. Jeesh, for a giant, he could sneak.

“What?” Jeremy asked, feeling like a fool.

“They’ve been at it like rabbits since Rome 2011,” was the reply. “They’ve just been hiding it reasonably well.” This coffee should have been Irish, he thought.

“But what about Danneel?”

“Danneel and Vicki like to watch." Jared made one of his trademark sturgeon faces. "Pro-tip: don’t ever, ever ask Vicki anything about it. If you think Misha overshares, you should hear her. My brain is permanently scarred, FYI. There are a lot of things I did not need to know about my brother, and that he likes to be called a good boy while taking it up the ass is one of them.” Jeremy spit coffee all over the table. “Yeah, suits you right. Now, you’re one of the select few who are in the know about this, which means that if I have to suffer, so do you.” Irish coffee, sans coffee. Pain killers. A nice nap, and then he’d make an appointment with the network people again, to re-negotiate. Goddammit.

**Author's Note:**

> For my ever trusted friend, A Wahlbom, who made a "cockles and mussles, alive, alive-o" joke. ("If Jensen and Misha are Cockles, who are mussles?" "I don't think we have mussles. But it's a waste to call Jared and Jensen J2, when they could have been Mooseles.") Which, of course, led to a cascade of bad crustacean puns, including "that's very shellfish of you" and "who cares about context? Context causes cancer".


End file.
